The Weekender Prompt: This weekend my phone fell in the toilet and I...

The phone falling down the bog has happened me on numerous occasions over the years but this weekend was different. Normally I would get off the toilet, gently brush my stool to one side with the back of my hand and pluck my phone to safety. I would run straight for the rice and leave it overnight in a hope the old wives tale would do the job and dry out the phone. On half the occasions this had worked. But this weekend my phone fell down the toilet and I knew I was in shit (literally and not literally). I was in deep do do. My stomach turned. I was in London far from home. But the thing is I had no wallet. My phone is my wallet. My phone is my boarding card. My phone is my bloody everything.

"You don't need a wallet you dinosaur," they said.
"You can tap your phone even on the tube," they said.
"Just bring a battery pack they said," they said.
"Why do you print your boarding card you knobhead," they laughed.

Well what good is a battery pack with the phone down the bog.
I was cashless in the middle of London. I was just about to book into the hotel so I went to have a number 2 in a nice hotel lobby before I queued at the check in desk. I didn't want to desecrate my lovely hotel bedroom so it was ritual to go in the lobby before I checked in.

They would need me to tap my phone for payment but now I had no method to pay. I was over for the match. Travelling light. Just a backpack with a spare jocks, socks and tshirt with a toothbrush , tootpaste and deodorent. The lightest a man could travel for a match. So light in fact that i chose to even leave the wallet at home as a trial. I had not taken my wallet out in 2 years in Ireland so it was time to take the big step and go abroad without it. Now the contraption used to pay wasn't turning on after the trip down the bog. The hoodie front pocket is a dangerous place to put the phone and they just fall out. Having a small arse was my downfall as the phone slipped through the cheek and the rim and down into the death zone. The phone was meant to be waterproof but the screen was cracked and the water got in.
So I was in the middle of one of the worlds biggest city with no phone, money or place to stay

"How had it come to his?"

OK I will ring the wife.
Doh I have no fecking phone. NOOOOOOO.
OK I will go to a phonebooth.
I walked for miles without finding one. Pesky 21st century. Is London not famous for having the big red phonebooths? They are in photos for christs sake. Finally I came across one. I walked in. I reached into my pocket to fetch a coin. ARRRHHHHHhhhhhhhh no fucking money.
OK OK calm down. Calm down. I have a cousin in Woodgreen. Don't know whereabouts she lives but I will ring her.
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH no contacts list.

I am in deep trouble. I asked a few people if I could use their phone but they all ran away from me thinking I was a hobo. One guy even told me to Fuck Off. I went back to the hotel. Even though they would lend me their phone , they could not really help me.
I rang the wife. Whenever I am in trouble I would ring the wife ( except for the time my banjo string broke with another woman, long story).
RING RING
No answer. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The hotel receptionist did however recommend putting my phone in rice for the night. That was nice of her but I did not own a bag of rice or a dwelling at that point in time.
OK OK I still have tickets to the Spurs game so I'l just go to the pub for the evening and make a few Spurs friends....... NO MONEY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Spurs game is cashless ticketing. The bloody ticket is in my digital wallet. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So I end up going to a homeless shelter so things started getting a big better from there on out. I found a bed in a room of 6 and settled down for the night.
When I woke up my bag was stolen and so were my shoes and socks. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Back to the hotel to get the phone to ring my wife again.
The porter would not let me in for being shoeless and sockless. NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........

And now I am homeless and live under a bridge with a mutt called Wellard. 2 years have passed. If anyone on Hive reads this can you please contact my wife and tell her I lost my phone. I bet she thinks I left her but all I did was lose my bloody phone. When I make enough money from washing car windows the first thing I am buying is a bloody wallet again. FML!!!