Thank you for your deeply felt and thought comment. I find the parents who are most likely to understand me are those who struggled with similar events. I think some of my son's problems today are very much because I did not listen to my first instincts, I did not say no, I afraid of being wrong. But more problems come from that thought, that fear of being wrong.
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It sounds like you have done your best. It is hard, as a mother, not to feel guilty at times, and it sounds like you blame yourself a little. However, when I feel guilty (which is often), I try to ask myself how the guilt helps the situation. Since it does not help nor does it make me feel good, I try to forgive myself for my errors.
It's not easy. I don't know if you also struggle with this or if I am reading you incorrectly. Sometimes, it really feels like motherhood is synonymous with guilt. I think you have had to be very strong.