I am guilty, but I have forgiven myself

In the middle of the night I was taken out of the discotheque, almost like a delinquent. The female guard was fierce, she looked at me with contempt and impotence, maybe she wanted to throw a fist at me, but she knew that if she did she would lose her job.

That night I went to that disco with some friends, well with a friend and 2 of her friends. I liked that girl and she knew it, sometimes she would give me encouragement to stay there behind her but she wouldn't give me anything she was hinting at, or maybe her hints were just my ideas.

I wanted her madly and had invested a lot of time in her, I was always at her beck and call.

Not that I want to justify myself at this point, but she was not an innocent lamb either.

It was still wrong what I did, very wrong, but fortunately it's over now.

If we talk about liquors, I only drink beer, the rest of alcoholic beverages seem almost unbearable to me and I don't enjoy them, besides they go to my head quickly.

Just that night there were no beers in that nightclub, something almost unbelievable but so it was, however, there we stayed.

In the absence of beers, I started drinking a sweet vodka-based cocktail that quickly took over my mind and body.

I started getting intense with this girl, making very explicit advances and almost demanding that she play along.

She started to panic and run away from me, I would walk away for a few minutes and keep drinking, something I felt gave me the courage to go after her. Her contempt was eating me up inside. Although I have many mental gaps from that day, I remember insulting her by shouting in her ear: "then you play the victim and cry because Fulana cheated on you and left you crying without caring about you, but you deserve it and you know you deserve it because you're a W.... You take advantage of fools and the more experienced ones give you what you deserve."

The girl was terrified to see me acting that way, with all her reason of course, she sought help in the surveillance and the woman in charge demanded me to take distance and calm down because otherwise they would take me out of the place.

I was calm for a few minutes and continued drinking, I was full of rage and resentment, now the "villain" was the innocent one and I had totally lost control. In one of those I went to her and when I saw her back to me, I touched her private parts with force.

They immediately took me out of the discotheque in the middle of the night, it was probably 03:00 AM and I had nowhere to go at that hour.

I stayed outside the place waiting for daybreak, I smoked a couple of cigarettes, something I used to do sometimes when I drank liquor. As the minutes passed my resentment increased, but I remained almost motionless.

I saw her leave at 05:00 AM with her friends who guarded her as if she were an angel and she looked at me with fear and the other girls looked at me with contempt.

At dawn I went home and it took me many hours for the rage to leave me and also the hatred towards her. I, who am such a sleepyhead, had my eyes as wide open as the wound I had just given myself, because in the end I did much more damage to myself than I could have done to that girl, I think.

I don't remember at what time I finally fell asleep and when I woke up all the effect of the liquor and whatever I had consumed that day had already worn off....

Later, one of the girls who witnessed everything that night told me that she believes those drinks were adulterated because she felt strange. I don't say this to justify myself, but maybe that explains a lot, it's not my nature to act that way.

When I woke up I felt a deep emptiness inside, a feeling of guilt like never before, I cried a lot and I wrote a thousand messages to that girl offering her apologies, of course she did not answer any of them.

That girl and I worked together and I was on vacation, I was 2 weeks away from returning and having to be with her face to face in the office. I thought about retiring from work, but it was something that of course I hadn't planned and besides that job was my livelihood at the time and it was a good job, I didn't want to just quit.

After that incident I was much more attentive to my feelings, I spent hours in silence more than usual and took refuge in meditation. I wanted to go prisoner to clear my guilt and for a good while I only wanted to wear white clothes, I felt that kept me more in the light where I wanted and want to be, than in the dark. I even bought new clothes, white, because I almost didn't have clothes of that color.

I also thought about moving to the country for a while and working the land, being more in touch with nature to reflect much more on what had happened.

After I had some time to think, I finally decided not to quit my job and face what had happened.

The day came to go back to work and she did not expect it, she looked at me with fear and hatred at the same time, I looked down and of course I did not say a word to her. There were many of us in that place and that lowered the pressure a little bit.

It was about a week or 2, I don't remember that part and I wrote her by WhatsApp, I asked her to give me 5 minutes of her time and she agreed and that's how we met in the dining room.

With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I asked her for forgiveness, she also with tears in her eyes told me that that had hurt her a lot because she would never have expected it from me, that she had trusted me a lot but now she was only afraid and angry, that she forgave me but she did not want to even talk to me ever again.

I accepted all my guilt and told her not to worry that I would know how to keep my distance. And so I did, I kept my distance, I felt bad for a few months until one moment I felt I forgave myself.

I don't remember how much time passed but we talked again after a few months, we even went back to the disco at her request, she told me "please, don't ruin it".

We went out many more times, as friends, we went to the mountains, to the movies, to eat, to walk.... But we never talked about that day again.

After a while, she started dating someone as a couple and I moved away for good, however, sporadically and eventually we wrote to each other again to say hello, although we did not see each other again, I am sure that if we met by chance we would greet each other with affection because finally and despite that unhappy early morning, we did not move away on bad terms.

I believe that many times when we behave badly there is much we can do to heal what we hurt and even more to heal ourselves so that we do not fall back into situations that threaten our integrity and that of others.

Let us be Light most of our time, which is short, at least in this life it is very short.

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Thank you for accompanying me. I wish you good health and a dignified life.

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_{Photographs of my property, edited in Canva.}

This writing is inspired by @galenkp's proposal for this weekend.

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