In this post, we shall see how you can write posts that make people throw their money at you. Yes, even the ones who are broke, steal food & murder to stay alive. When you're done reading, even fetuses can't help but admire you. Maybe even be fine with you being pro-choice.

But before we get to the beef of the matter, it is necessary to exhaust what little attention remains of the reader after having indulged in modern social media by writing lengthy introduction paragraphs that even your mother wouldn't read.
Why, you ask? Should a person who doesn't even know how to freely express their thoughts in a blog post employing at least the creativity of a 5-year-old and is hence reading another blog post that they expect is about to tell them how to write amazing blog articles, really be asking such a question?

Good, we've covered that intro para. Now.
Why did I start writing this again?

Oh right, amazing articles.

But before that, here's a message from our sponsor:

_{You're not seeing the ad? Turn off your goddamn adblocker, I have a hungry wife and 5 kids to feed at home.}

^{This has nothing to do with the post.}

How to write Amazing Blog Articles

Because you know, just in case you misread the article's title and clicked it by mistake.

Step 1

Consistency, authenticity, passion, commitment, all of these are things my ex told me I lacked. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

So coming to blog articles, first thing you gotta do is find a topic that everyone's talking about. Bonus points if you really hate writing about it and if it's so boring, you'd rather read personal posts by someone who doesn't mean anything to you.
Next, get some pics from Unsplash and scatter it throughout your posts like there's no tomorrow. Make sure you don't credit the author of the image, we don't want them to commit suicide seeing how their work of art is being (ab)used.

Step 2

Now that you hate yourself, it's time to input tags. Tags are very important because everyone seems to be using them. So they must be.
Ensure you give curators the maximum amount of workload by using #ocd #posh on posts that simply contain an image of your feet after you got a pedicure using that free voucher thing. We must extract as much as possible from these free working agents who have a vision for HIVE, or whatever they call it to go through another day without pulling the trigger.

This is getting a little too dark isn't it? Huh? I'm talking about my room. BRB turning on the lights.

Alright! Where were we?

Step 3

GEMS

Step 4

Watch all your effort amount to nothing. This is crucial, do not miss this step.
You can't, either way.

Step 5

Now that you earned $0.0000 on your post, it's time to take a well-earned rest and search for other how-to articles that teach you how to write great posts. Remember, the more time you spend on reading these, the more you become a better writer. Forget writing, you've written too much anyway.

In conclusion

In this guide, we learnt how to create extraordinary posts that get everybody's attention.*
For maximum results, repeat Step 1 through Step 5.

* = away from your profile and posts