This last Sunday, there was an incident between my partner and I. We had been drinking and we got into an alcohol fueled fight - over money, of all things.
It did not end well for me, or for him. We decided it is in our best interests to split up. After all this work we have put into this property, he is cutting all ties, washing his hands from it, and is walking away.
So now, I am left with a choice. I have this property, 30 acres, that I have spent all of my money on to get things working and in order.
We have worked so hard to get this camper off the grid, which has been a huge feat, and a huge expense. But it is not my camper, it is his camper, which means I need to move out of the camper as soon as possible.
I could leave. I could move in with my mom in California. She has a house, where I would have a room, and access to running water and amenities.
But I do not want to run. I am done running. I am done fleeing from disaster.
So this is where the real challenge comes in. Yes, it has been a very challenging year for two people to go off the grid - we have been pushed to the limits financially, physically and emotionally.
But now, exactly one year later from going off grid with a partner, I now face living the lifestyle alone. By myself, and rebuilding from the ground up.
I am female, I am five feet tall, I am soft. I have been baking cookies for Christmas and cleaning the house while the man does the heavy lifting.
That's not all completely true, I have been putting in serious muscle into this place, but there are things beyond my feminine capabilities, like lifting a 200 lb solar power inverter.
So how do I go from being so dependent on a man - not just living the off grid lifestyle, but he also paid me to help him run his business - to reclaiming my independence? How do I manage to live on this land and build and run and maintain everything with very little equipment? How will I make a living, earn money, and support myself?
After six years of being with another person, and relying heavily upon them, it is a huge upheaval for it to all abruptly end. However, for the entirety of my adult life up until the last six years, I was very independent, and I was also a single mom. So not only did I support myself on my own, but I also supported my daughter, who is now turning 21 and is a productive citizen of society.
And the reality is that I have been pulling my weight in this relationship the whole time. We were oil and gas pipeliners for the last five of six years, and I worked out there in the field with the men, and I paid my share of expenses. I also did the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning.
Here I am as a pipeliner filling up the dozer. I did this for years.
So even though I feel much like a dependent now, I have always been working and paying my dues. So maybe I am not so helpless after all. It just feels that way.
He is on the deed paperwork of the property, so he may choose to stay here. There is another challenge all on its own. How do we divide it up? Do I buy him out? Do I kick him out of here? It's all just so messy and emotional.
So now, I think the best thing I can do is take baby steps. The tiniest of baby steps to shore up my situation. Just like a friend told me here on HIVE, one foot in front of the other, one shovel of dirt at a time. The big questions can be answered later.
The first step is to move out of his camper and into my she shed. I will be going from a luxury 42ft Grand Design Solitude to a 9x12 shed. I am really fine with primitive living, as far as plumbing and bathroom go. And I am fine living in a small space. It's just a lifestyle adjustment.
So why am I airing my dirty laundry here on HIVE? Well, it's a way to hold me accountable. Because without telling others, without discussion, and putting myself out there, it just stays all in my head. And then I start to doubt my decisions - like, maybe I should give him another chance. Or maybe I should just give up on this property and this lifestyle. So if I put it out here, in the open, maybe I will feel more inclined to stick to my decisions and rise up to the challenge.
It is my journey now. It is no longer, wow look at all the cool stuff I do. Look at how much of an off grid badass I am. Now you see that I am now a humble human, going through a real situation, a humiliating situation. So I am eating this piece of humble pie, and I have to trudge through it. And I am not going to trudge through it in secret, keeping to myself.
Oh, and to add insult to injury, I also lost my purse that night. I lost all of my credit cards, driver's license, cash, seeing glasses, and sunglasses. Thankfully, I have my keys and my phone. Someone found it, and instead of turning it in, they went on a shopping spree.
So I have no access to money right now, and my fuel tank is just about empty.
All of this because of a fight over money. How dumb is that.
Peace and love,
Regina Cal.
Oh dear, all that work on the brink of being for nothing? Harsh, but you'll get through it - you're tough enough to have made it this far. Your story is so similar that of my adoptive mother, she's a five-foot tough cookie as well (we don't actually get along, but I can at least appreciate certain qualities of hers).
Do you have any friends living nearby? If you do, I'm sure at least one of them would let you crash with them for a bit if you can't stay where you are. Even if you don't have the money, at least you have the skills to start over, if needs be.
Yes, it is harsh. Long term, I am not sure of the outcome. Short term, I am staying on the property, and setting up my own systems of survival. Sometimes, us short gals are the toughest cookies of all.
Hey Regina,
Oh wow... I don't even know where to begin. Reading your post I had a whole bunch of things come to my mind. Let me see if I can recall it all:
Physical violence - I feel really sorry, on one hand about your bloody nose, on the other one about losing a relationship like this. However, I guess it's evident that if this is how it ended, it wouldn't have gone anywhere, really. The other thing that just screamed me in the face, is that no matter what you may think about the place you live in, had this happened just a bit south past the border, nobody would have gone to jail, but some other, much worse things may have happened instead. Okay, I know, this horrible fact doesn't help you much either, but it's part of our sad reality as your southern neighbors.
Off-grid independence - Here I have to give you a lot of props! How easy would it be to go your mom's, forget about off-grid lifestyle and reinvent yourself in some other area. But no, instead you're sticking to your plans. After all, your name is just as much on the deed a the guy's. So you are sticking to your plans, and fighting for your place. So I wish you all the best your tenacity will earn you! And once he's back, you will have to work things out with him, but even then he can't be any worse than an annoying neighbor. And looking at that shed it may not look like much, but I can imagine how you could turn it into an awesome space, while the camper slowly rots away...
Though what I'm really sorry about it that you lost your purse, and some jerk went off on a spending spree with your credit cards! That really sucks! Still, I enjoy feeling your strength through your words. Your self reliant attitude is quite evidently there, even without explaining your rough-neck / single mom background. Now I can't wait for the page to turn and to see a more positive post, about something that worked out nicely.
There will be positive posts, for sure. Its kinda like the challenge just got a whole lot more interesting. I have to re-evaluate myself as a person, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my knowledge. I have to assess my assets, my skills. Its really a whole new perspective on who I am and what I am doing.
Running is not an option. Giving up is not an option. I have spent my life savings on this property, and I won't give up on it due to a unfortunate event.
But it is amazing how 1.5 seconds of indiscretion can completely change the course of one's life.
Being alone, that is an interesting perspective. I haven't been alone, actually really by myself, my entire life. From raising another human to being in relationships, I haven't ever really been on my own, per se.
I am glad you read my post and I always really enjoy your comments. Thanks for your encouragement.
Of course, my pleasure (for real, not just a nice phrase). As for the encouragement, I feel it is you and your post that feels encouraging to read, how you are facing a quite formidable situation. All I do is applaud your effort.
This time of the year is good for these kinds of reflections anyway, as it is a good way to start the year with a blank slate. Though I believe those 1.5 seconds started long before it came to this violent culmination...
If you haven't been alone, that is most of the time for an extended period, you're in for a trip, for certain! After you go through the usual spectrum of feelings, from boredom to worry, you will realize that you are never really alone, you can't be. Especially out in nature, you'll see how things start talking to you, and they don't tell you bullshit either.
Wow, those are all very insightful thoughts. Nature, yes, it is my true calling to embrace nature as much as I can. And I do pick up on those messages and probably will even more than before.
The 1.5 seconds were a reflection of months and years of pressure, stress, and tension. It tends to erupt like that, just like a volcano.
I am glad that my post has encouraged you, it means a lot to me, for reals.
Nice! And I am relieved that you found value in my response. Because lots of times, particularly looking back at what I've said, I tend to feel a bit like some cartoon rendering of a sage. And the only reason I don't delete it again is because I believe in what I say, though it still doesn't make me feel any less like some sort of Master Oogway. So thank you!
Ok, that is TOO FUNNY because I literally just watched Kung Fu Panda last night! Awesome!
The secret ingredient is there is no secret ingredient. That one hit home for me.
Nice one! The piece of wisdom I thought was golden is the gift:
Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. But today is a gift, and that's why they call it the present.
Uffda.
I could say something glib like, "trade that blockhead for a block-and-tackle to handle heavy lifting," but that doesn't really do any justice to your situation. Or, I could self-righteously proclaim, "it takes two to fight," but we all know that's horse shit, even though I don't know your particular situation.
You built this one step at a time. You can regroup and rebuild one step at a time, too. I have no idea what hurdles you face in the weeks ahead. Just focus one jump at a time.
Yes, the blockhead has been traded in! It's opening a new perspective for me, what my strengths and weaknesses are, what knowledge I have.
I do like the block and tackle idea, I will probably need to invest in that system at some point!
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I will get through this, and not by running back to mom's house.
Don't forget family as an essential survival support structure, though.
Good point. My mom and daughter have been helping me out, although they are several hundred miles away.
Hello Regina! Sounds like a terrible outcome for such a powerful vision. To live off-grid... But i believe crisis in life open new doors and oportunities. Maybe try to invite others, and let them help you. There are many tools for getting enough working hands. Many ways to exchange talents.
Cheers