"my first instinct is to always assume people are fucking with me"
You should have gone with that instinct. I'm sorry/happy to hear about you becoming some lesbians' butt slave (depending on how you feel about butt slavery).
I took about a year off to focus on my actual work so your five months isn't so bad. I only came back when I had to take a week off because I had been super exposed to covid. I might try to make this a regular thing again though.
Even when the money is fair, signing the line means you're taking it up the ass until you're released. That is the sick and twisted moral of the story here.