The Friendzone: A Rant

“Friendzoned...“

Men say „I’ve been friendzoned“ with such disdain. As if being my friend is the worst thing that can happen.

Let me tell you the worst thing that can happen: I meet you, I find you physically attractive and I’m drunk and horny so I fuck you, I leave never to be seen again because I don’t give two shits about you, because you’re uninteresting and kind of a dusche.

You want to know why that’s worse than getting “friend Zoned” ? Because my friendship is a fucking precious gift you asshole.

Yes, of course it sucks not being wanted the same way you want the other person, but don’t shit on the gift of friendship because your fucking pride is hurt. As if having my body is worth more than having my loyalty, my trust and a piece of my heart.

Ever thought about that?

You know what else you’re missing out on with that Self-suffering idiotic attitude?

A damn good friend.

The kind of friend whom you can call at 4am when you wake up disoriented in some hospital, not knowing where the fuck you are and and what happened, having just had your stomach pumped out, being stared at judgingly by every nurse although you KNOW you didn’t drink too much so someone must have drugged you, and no matter if I’m having the time of my life at a party or am lying in bed sleeping, when you call I will drop everything and come pick you up no questions asked.

The kind of friend whom you can say „let’s fly to Munich to watch the same musical twice in a row and wait at the stage door for the actors“ and I will say „awesome, when?“

The kind of friend who goes to a gig with you and when you half jokingly write me at 3am when we’re both home drunk from a night out „let’s take a train and follow them and go to the next gig too“, I go check train schedules and go on a 9hr hungover train ride with you after not having slept a wink.

The kind of friend who pays for you to get a professional acting reel shot, because I can’t stand the thought of you wasting 6 more months working in a shitty bar before you can afford to do it, because I believe in your dream, your talent and skill, and calls it your Birthday-Christmas gift, not wanting you to pay me back ever.

The kind of friend who spontaneously comes on a 10hr train ride with you to be with you when you go though an entry examination test for a school you want to go to and you realised last minute that you don’t want to do it alone.

The kind of friend you can call at any stupid hour of the day or night or in the middle of work and if you say you need me I will drop everything and be there for you, even if I can only do so over the phone because you’re halfway across the world from me.

The kind of friend you can drag to a concert, the cinema, a play, a musical, an opera, a gallery, a museum, an exhibition, a ball, an arcade, a theme parc, a circus, a roadtrip, bungee-jumping, ice skating, Minigolf, the pool, a sport event of your choice, a stroll around the park or ice cream around the corner and I’ll be equally as excited. I’d probably even go to a strip club. Actually can we please go to a strip club? I’ve never been to a stripclub.

The kind of friend who’s basically up for pretty much anything (most of the time).

The kind of friend who without being asked gives you the money you need (forces you to accept it) to apply for permanent residency in Canada simply because you were mentioning you couldn’t afford it atm and it sucked because it would delay everything, trusting without question that you’ll give it back whenever you can.

The kind of friend who will get to know your body language cues in the shortest time because being observant is part of my job and I’ll creep you out a little by always knowing when something is wrong and tickling it out of you. But you always feel better afterward because you got to rant it out.

The kind of friend you can tell about crazy fucked up shit in your life and I’ll listen and go chew through it with you, as many times as you need, and never betray your confidence.

The kind of friend who’ll give it to you straight and not smear your mouth with honey, who will tell you you look like shit and you’re full of crap and have food stuck in your teeth in the same breath in which I tell you I love you.

The kind of friend who gets excited about something because you’re excited about it, and will listen to you geek out about the things you love, simply because you love them, even if my own interest in them was only marginal to non-existent to date.

The kind of friend who always knows when you need a hug but don’t want to talk about why yet. And I don’t give a shit if you’re not a hugger. But I will never press you to talk if I can feel you’re not ready.

The kind of friend you will meet up with in some weird unexpected place in the world after not seeing them for 4 years, and have the best, most hilarious day, and talk as if we’d seen each other yesterday and then suddenly you’ll realise we’ve known each other for 20 years, and you’ll know in that moment I’ll still be there 20 more years down the line no matter how long we lose contact inbetween.

Being in my „friendzone“ is a fucking privilege.

And if you haven’t figured that out despite claiming to „like me“ and suffer at being „friendzoned“ then you’re a fucking idiot and not worthy of being in it in the first place.