this is why I avoid groups like the plague
Seems like people are giving you what you want. Maybe that's the trouble. Maybe you don't know what you want. I think you're right about needing to find who you are. You can't build a brand before you build you identity. You have to find yourself before others will find you.
I was surprised to see my auto vote didn't pick up your post. Steem voter must be down. Happy birthday Jed (sorry I'm a day late). I'll read your other post now. Been busy. :)
I'm not sure I get what you mean, Luke. Are you saying that it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy? I guess the way I worded it makes it seem so haha! Good eye :) But, what I meant is to just feel included without having to exert extra effort just to maintain my status in groups. I've had the worst luck with it, that's why whenever I see the warning signs, I gird myself. It's hard to explain what exactly goes on. But, I can narrate a specific scenario if needed.
I guess you're right here. Everything's still a jumble. When I eventually get to my 30s I hope everything will be more stable, but for now I'm just trying to appreciate the chaos :D
I agree with your sentiment about finding myself first, that's why I'm on a search ;)
Steemvoter has been wonky for me as well. I was advised to update my posting key, I hope that solves your problem as well. Thanks for the greeting, Luke! It would've been better if you read the other post first :D
I think you might be narrowing in on something important here.
What if no-one gets that? What if everyone has to continually work to be noticed, remembered, valued, and understood within a group setting? Further, what if they subconsciously resent those who aren't willing to put in the same effort as everyone else? In a way, it sounds like entitlement again. Like wanting your friends to always call you and ask if you want to go do something instead of being the one to call your friends as well.
I hope that makes sense. You seem to have a very individualist view which is against being part of a group and yet the language you use suggests you're sad for not being included in the groups. I hope that's helpful. You're still young. I'm confident you'll get it figured out. :)
I don't doubt that there are a lot of other people who are the same way. And yeah, there is some resentment that builds up. Surely there are a lot of contradictions, and I appreciate you taking the time as always to break them down. It does sound like entitlement from a third-party perspective, but this time, I'm more sure that it isn't--at least not fully. It's hard for people to get what people like me experience, if they haven't gone through the same thing.
Here's a scenario (a bit long, so I'll understand if you won't be able to read it in its entirety): it's a friend's birthday, the same friend I always help out in times of need (for which there are many) but who doesn't help me the same way. I never complained about it, because it was my decision to help out without expecting anything in return. To some extent, every member of the group has somewhat a similar one-sided relationship with me. I guess, in a way, my inclusion in the group seems like the payment for all the help that I give. Anyway, so this friend's birthday is coming up, but it just so happens that my fiancée's (when she was still just my girlfriend) father had died a month before overseas. Oh you know what, I don't know if you remember it, but I was still with Foxy during all of this. I think I've told you guys about it before. Anyway, I digress again.
Because of personal stuff I don't want to get into, the funeral was decided to last just one day, which coincidentally was the same day as my friend's birthday. Suffice to say, I told the group in the last minute that I wouldn't be able to come. The celebration was supposed to take place 2 hours away from where I was, and I wasn't really in a celebratory mood. I did manage to get more than 2 hours in for Foxy, until you guys urged me to take the day. I had been up for more that 24 hours, being the one who helped identify and escort the body from the airport. So, yeah, they resented me for not being able to make it. To this day, I think they're convinced that I just made everything up as an excuse.
I was always there when they needed me, and all they could offer is a line text to offer condolences. What's worse is that scenario is par for the course in terms of all the groups that I had been a part of. It's not just about not being invited to do stuff, it's much more than that. That kind of scenario always happens to me, and while we already cleared out the expectations aspect in one of our talks, it doesn't help me avoid these things from happening. Haha! One year anniversary of that thread too!
I hope that helps clarify my stance. It's not that I don't want to be a part of a group, it's just that I've been in too many exhausting scenarios.
Maybe you need to be needed? The person you described doesn't sound like a good friend at all to me. They sound like someone I'd personally avoid. I do remember that situation. I remember being confused that you were trying to work at all. Why were you trying to work?
I don't mean to come down on you, but I think these introspective questions may be good for you. I hope you find groups of real friends who will reciprocate.
No, no, no. This is great, man. I'm extremely grateful that you even take the time to indulge me with my musings. Just goes to show you're a great guy, Luke! It's funny if this would really turn out to be a yearly thing. Don't get me wrong though, I'm in a totally opposite place from where I was a year ago. It may sound like I have some resentment in me, but really I'm in a good place right now.
That's the thing though, every group I've been a part of always has those moments. It's not that I hate being part of groups, it's just that, with my track record, it's kind of hard to hope. Adjusting expectations and all that. Do I need to be needed? I guess. I mean, I have though about it quite a few times before. Though, I'm not really searching for it.
I think we attract certain types of people around us. If we're surprised about that, we should be the ones to change to attract different people and different groups, right?
Yeah, I agree. Hence my search for an identity :D I'm glad the discussion came full circle like that haha! Really though, I'm just trying to be genuine and true to my nature, in hopes of attracting like-minded individuals. I'm happy that I make baby steps toward reaching that goal.
Oh, and I forgot to answer your earlier question! I'm so sorry about that. I was trying to work to distract myself from the grief. No one was able to sleep during the morning, and all the people were just reminiscing about the recently departed. I felt relieved that I was productive during that brief time. There were no conflicts, and I helped solve a number of problems during that period.