Work-Wife

Hey who are you writing that to?!

The Good Lady was craning her head forward peeking at my phone screen as I tapped out a message to one of my colleagues.

What? I am just saying goodnight to my homie on the hood team.

I splayed the fingers of one hand out in an aggressive yet frankly embarrassing for a man of my age hand gesture to show I was down with it.

The Good Lady reared back as if she were a slightly dirty horse caught in the act of stealing a pie.

Excuse me? You just typed "Goodnight lass, catch you in the morning." Thats a bit familiar, is it not? Who is this "lass?!?!"

I inflated my cheeks before letting the air seep out through my beautiful lips with a forlorn farting noise.

It's just a girl at work. We are working on the project together. I must have mentioned her, Alvine?

I angled my phone away as I said this and hastily tried to close the Teams app with my thumb but only managing to randomly stab the video call button on the screen instead which led me to fumble in a mad panic to disconnect.

By the time I had stopped jerking back and forth and twitching like Michael J Fox in an attempt to end the call, the Good Lady was gazing at me with outright hostility.

And you often call women in your work "lass?" You often bid them "Goodnight?"

She said in a frosty manner that implied I might have to roll my own oats for a while.

I rumpled my brow quizzically before sniffing majestically and turning slightly to the side so I could give her a proper iron eye.

No.

I announced haughtily.

I do not. I only say such things to my work wife.

A terrible silence bloomed between us. The table, at which we sat, shivered in the cold of the storm that was brewing.

Your work...what???

The Good Lady sounded incredulous as though the very idea of a man taking a work wife was an outlandish thing that could only happen somewhere like Japan.

My work wife.

I said casually, lifting a glass of water and idly gargling with it.

I do not find that remotely funny. Not in the slightest.

One of the Good Lady's eye's twitched, like a salmon seeing sushi rice.

My phone pinged. I looked down at it. Ah. I pushed my chair out and stood.

Anyway lass, I have a bit more to be getting on with before I finish for the night. Need to head back up to the attic.

I made an apologetic face as if I had been caught stroking one of those squashed faced, miniature dog creatures with legs like toothpicks and enjoying it a little too much.

I suppose you are going back up to your work wife!?

The Good Lady barked at my retreating back.

I laughed as I made my way out of the room. Ha, work wife indeed. I didn't have time for a work wife. No, I had better things to occupy my time.

I had an Xbox.