Diary of a distressed and anxious soul.

Part 1

Where have I been?

I have been lost for a long time! I think almost 18 months. I have tried my hand at posting here and there but failed big times. It all started in January 2022. Well, to be fair, it started in December 2021 when I got sick. Yes, the dreaded C thing. I did not get very sick. I did not have enormous coughing and high fever. I did however lose all my energy and all I could do in January was lay down and sleep. This staid the same for weeks and weeks and that is where things really took a turn for the worse.

Becoming one with my bed.

Because my body was so low on energy, my brain started to act up. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and personality disorder years back but that was all under control. I lived my life with some up and down but managed to go out and do fun things. By the end of January, I kinda lost my mind. My anxiety was through the roof and all I did was lay in bed, and scream for help because I thought everything was out to kill me. All my anxiety triggers came back and I was stuck in the worst bad circle of my life.

I had panic attack after panic attack and that drained me even more. I could not even take a shower without sleeping for 4 to 6 hours after. Then, after waking up, the fear would take me over again. I tried so hard to use the tips and tricks I learned in the past but nothing helped. I had to call for help.

Calling out for help.

I have been in therapy for a long time! Years to be honest. But it still felt super hard to make that call. The fact that I had to admit I needed help was difficult but I was more afraid of what would come after. You see, I was really in bad shape. I honestly thought that the moment they would hear or see me, they would lock me up. I was really losing sight of the world btw. I can laugh about it now but at that time, every single thing was scary as hell. The saying they lost their marbles.... Would have fit me like a glove!

I made the call though. And the moment my therapist said hello, I broke down and like a river, everything came out of me. I cried like a baby and begged her to help me but not to lock me up. She listened and started a protocol and off we went with new therapies and things and thangs. I had to gear myself up for every phonecall and meeting but it was really hard since I had seriously no energy to start with.

That phone call though...

At the time I made that call, my mom was with me 24/7. My partner had to work and I could not be alone. Not because I was going to do bad things but because I needed help with everything. From eating to showering, I had to depend on help from others. I hardly ate though. My stress levels were so high I almost choked on every bite. Plus after a meal your heart starts to pump harder and that was a massive trigger... So tiring.

That phone call though, changed my life around for the better. Well, not right away. But the fact that I gave in and asked for help changed something in my mind. Something I will go into in a later stage of my postings.

I am back

I plan on sharing my story in this diary form. I can't promise to post every day or even every week. I am still recovering from everything but I can mention that I am doing much better! At least I have my focus back! I swear if you had asked me to write you a post 12 months ago... You would not be able to understand a single word. A post like this one (Not too long) would have taken me days maybe even weeks to get done.

I will be honest and raw.

I will not hold back and share my story the way I felt it. This might trigger others. But I feel this is the right place to share my story! A platform where you can be yourself and speak open and honest about everything!

I hope I will see you back for part 2.

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