a hell of a lot better than me, but so help me,
I wasn't good enough of a man to just let her go.
― Nicole R. Locker
The restlessness of autumn mirrors my mood. My wavering will and shifting thoughts are echoed in the dry scraping of leaves down the walks. The changed light and shadow-lined days are somber and frowning like my face.
It’s a paradoxical season of ripeness and decay, of somber shades and brilliant colours. And I’m also caught in a maelstrom of doubt trying to decide between two lovers.
I should be happy but I’m not.
I was hired to teach freshman English at Victoria College—a goal I was pursuing through my doctoral studies as a solution to my mounting student debt. But that was before Leann Rogers and I broke up.
It was my fault really—I got drunk at a local pub and had a fling with a sultry girl from my graduate seminar. The next day, my guilt kicked in and I confessed the whole sordid affair to Leann and she decided our engagement was off. My life was on hold ever since—until I met Sherri Jones, a beautiful, young secretary working in the Office of Graduate Admissions.
Now, I’m facing a dilemma. Leann has changed her mind and wants me back, but I’ve also fallen in love with Sherri.
“What should I do, Raff?”
Raff has been my best friend ever since first year—he’s also my mentor when it comes to women, seeing that he’s happily married to Brie and they’re raising a small child.
“First of all, I wouldn’t be in your position, Pal—but if I were, I’d make a decision. I wouldn’t be wavering back and forth.”
“It’s not that simple. What are you suggesting—I toss a coin?”
He gives me the same sardonic grin he always uses when I ask dumb questions and it usually means, have you got a better suggestion?
In this case, I don’t.
I spend nights sitting in my parents’ kitchen dividing a loose leaf sheet of paper into two columns and trying to weigh the relative merits of Leann versus Sherri. It’s driving me crazy.
“And by the way,” Raff adds, “you really need to move out of your parents’ house and start living on your own—it might help with your decision making.”
I’m scheduled to see through a rental flat in a run-down house near the university, so I figure I’m slightly ahead of the curve on that one—but how that will help with my decision making is beyond me.
“Oh, and Sherri—what kind of a name is that? She’s way too young for you, Pal—and no education compared to Leann . Yeah, she’s beautiful, but how will she fit in with your friends?”
I’m instantly on the defensive. Admittedly, there is a ten year gap between us—I’m twenty-eight and she’s eighteen—but she’s very mature for her age and also a really genuine person.
Still, Raff’s criticism hurts, and sows more doubts about whether I’m socially delayed, or simply infatuated and out of my mind.
As I’m musing about my dilemma, my cell rings—it’s Sherri. She asks if she can accompany me to check out the rental flat and I agree. Raff rolls his eyes.
Maybe he’s the down-to-earth, safe, predictable type who ends up in a stable marriage—and maybe I’m the incurable romantic who’s looking to be head-over-heels in love and bewitched beyond caring.
But at any rate, she makes my heart sing, and for now, I can’t get past that.
I may be undecided but I'm definitely leaning in her direction and where that will leave me with Raff let alone Leann is a totally other question.