Smallsteps played about two minutes in total during the hour and half long concert today, but she was super happy about having gone through it. As said earlier, she was nervous to perform in front of so many people, but it ended up being little drama once she was separated from us and in her place with the other performers.
After a couple days of a lot of practice, the concert ran pretty smoothly, but it was interesting to see the split in performers. For instance, piano players were 80% female. Guitarists were 90% male. flutists were 90% female. The choir was all female. And there were about 100 violinists, leaning more to the female side probably.
People have their preferences.
I almost fell asleep.
It is not because I dislike classical music or orchestras, because I actually like them a lot, but something has changed. I first noticed it a couple years ago when we went to a philharmonic orchestra performance with friends and I literally fell asleep. It was very embarrassing, and I had to make up some excuse later of not sleeping well, but it wasn't that. I don't know what it was.
I didn't know.
I think I do now. Because as that familiar feeling of can't keep my eyes open washed over me, I forced myself to pay attention to the music, but just couldn't. So, I started trying to pay attention to what my mind was doing and found an interesting result that wasn't unexpected, but I hadn't really thought through in this way before.
As I have mentioned before, I no longer visualize much unless I actively build the picture, and this creates a problem with classical music. For example, one of my favorite pieces to listen to since I was young, is "Summer" from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. There is something about the piece that connected with me and entranced me in some way. However, classical music is a bit like abstract art, it is in the eye of the beholder, and I don't have the eye to behold anymore.
What seems to be happening is that when I start listening to classical music (and maybe all music without words, but haven't tested it yet), there is nothing for my brain to visualize. If I create something, it is completely artificial in the sense that there is no spontaneous thought that arises, as the only input is from a non-descript sound. This means that my brain can try and work to build something, but it doesn't really connect with what it is hearing well, so it is a lot of energy for nothing. So, with nothing useful to work with, my brain essentially "powers down".
I just listened to Summer and it has changed.
I have changed.
This is not for the better, and as I sat there listening to the music play and pondering my revelation, I realized that one of my joys is largely gone. The only possible saving grace is living this kind of music vicariously through Smallsteps, because when she plays, I don't need any visual, because I am connected through her. I don't feel the song, but I love listening to her play anything.
She plays me "Daddy's sleepy song" when I am listening to her from on the couch and take a nap. It isn't a song at all, but a collection of random sounds, slowly played, and it puts me to sleep.
Not being able to have "spontaneous thoughts" doesn't sound like too much of an issue, and could be a good thing in some ways, but so much of our thought process is actually outside of our control, and that can be valuable. What I have realized is that I don't have many "aha" moments these days that are driven by my own thoughts, which used to be quite common for me. It is a loss of imagination, loss of the ability to put what might have been two otherwise random pieces of information together, and make sense of them, change them, use them, create from them.
To be honest, the realization tonight has depressed me a little, like I have died a little bit inside. But it is better to know limitations and deal with them, than remain ignorant and still suffer from them. It could be that now that I have slightly more clarity on the impact this particular condition has on me, I might be able to cater to it, or use it in some way. Or, maybe knowing it will just make me pay more attention when my daughter plays, and putting more intention into listening and connecting, even if it doesn't come naturally.
In the first few months after the stroke, bits of me returned, though not at the level they were. However, since then, I just realize how many other pieces have been lost, and how many of those pieces brought quality to my life, and are now gone. I can engineer the conditions of my life in some way, but that doesn't mean it will inspire joy. A lot of people seem to think that we can just "change our mind", but don't seem to acknowledge how much of our mind is outside of our control.
I might not ever fully be able to experience anything again, and it worries me what observing that is going to do to my daughter. I don't know how she experiences me through her eyes, and what she sees and feels when I am fading out, losing focus, and struggling to find the right words. Perhaps she grows up thinking I didn't pay enough attention, without realizing I gave her everything I had to give.
I am not even enough for me.
How can I be enough for her too?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I do not know how this would play, but there is a piece of exercise that may help. It is quite powerful when it is done correctly, and long enough. And it is doing wonders with your attention.
Got few levels.
Small steps
Bigger picture:
Note: You need 5-10 years to achieve mastery, but you will notice your attention and focus drastically increase even at the beginning.
If this is too hard for you or you do not have 2 x 5 min to start, I got another easier version one for you to try.
And to shill my own work, I did wrote a book long time ago when I was studying the memory mechanisms. Which makes me laugh now, but it may be useful.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Forget-photographic-memory-skills/dp/172893933X/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
That can definitely help with focus and memory, which is a great thing of course, but I don't think it can help with the spontaneous creative process that the brain normally goes through.
I was talking to my wife tonight about this, and she doesn't get it, as she doesn't see what I saw when I listened to music, or took stimulus from pretty much anything. For her, she doesn't see it as an issue, but it is like her losing her sight or hearing - except I have lost my internal sight and hearing.
Shill away!!
Well,until we learn how to become Gods, we need to solve out problems at least partially. The attention and focus will get better. About the inner harmony sense, I must to admit that I do not know anything about how to sort that out. Do you still have the sense of awe? When you watch something majestic?
I will check my notes to see if I find anything about it...
Not really. I used to get it seeing the Northern lights, but it is nowhere near as strong as it was. It is a bit like color has drained out.
Until now I only find something from Charles Darwin, about how all the technology is killing our sense of wonder and make us unable to enjoy music and art. But I am into something.
Ok, I knew I read something about this. Now, this is a bit complicated and needs at least 3-6 months of training, but it will bring some results. Lucid dreaming - not the flower power stuf, but the sciency thingie.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2737577/
So, you need to do your homeworks and the training. Short version: lucid dreaming is happening when you are aware that you are in a dream. Once you realize you are dreaming, you can do whatever you like, it is like a sandbox world/universe, where you can do whatever you like, the most advanced virtual game ever. You can fly, use superpowers, practice skils, whatever, sky is not even the limit. You are like a world builder, except that is no physical limit.
There are two proven ways to raise awareness while dreaming. One is called reality check, where you quickly check continuity in the 'real' world look around, and see if the space and time are continuosu with no gaps (basically check if you are awake or dreaming). Once you do this long enough, at some moment you will do it while dreaming, and realise you are in a dream.
Another method is to keep a dream journal, and try to write as much as you remember when you wake up, on it, you will see that you only have a 1-2 minutes window and then the memories fade away. Again, do this long enough, and the window increase, and this also happen when you fall asleep, erasing memories of your time awake when you fall asleep. Being aware on that window, when you fall asleep and when you wake up, help keeping you aware while dreaming.
Third method is by using suggestions in the pre-sleep phase - thinking something along the lines: "I am aware when I am in dream state" or "I have lucid dreams".
There are other methods, but you need to search for them and try them, to find what is working for you.
Now, because of lucid dreaming and because your awareness will increase, the brain perception will change, something to do with adjusting to different 'realities' and becoming more aware of your body and brain processes too, but also a clarity of some sorts, and an increase in what we call artistic skills, like musical ear, art perception and related stuff, some of this skils improve or appear, even if you did not have them before. It has something to do with the brain capacity to adapt and learn.
Look online, check through all the crap and find the good informations, apply and do some form of training that works for you and enjoy the rewards. Even if you only manage to have some lucid dreams now and then, it is still worth the effort.
In terms of neuroscience, you may know that learning a foreign language kind of open a new form of perception, and your own distinct personality, as a new section in your memory, related to that specific language.
Lucid dreaming is doing a similar thing, but in a more global, included way, as it is almost another kind of 'world' that you adapt to. I would say that 10% cannot do lucid dreaming, 10 percent do it naturally, and the majority 80% are able to do it after 3 to 18 months of training.
Good luck @tarazkp !
In the coming and going of life, each note that resonates in our being carries with it a melody of hope and renewal. Although the songs change and the seasons of Vivaldi transform, each chord remains a reflection of the beauty that resides in the soul.
Small steps on stage or in life, each one is an act of bravery, a whisper of the strength within us. Music, like life, flows and evolves, and with it, so do we. Although your eyes no longer visualize as before, your heart still feels the vibrant rhythm of each beat.
Smallsteps' music, your connection to it, is a reminder that beauty is not only found in the sight, but also in the invisible bond that unites us through the notes. Her “Daddy's Sleeping Song” is more than sounds: it is love in its purest form, a melody that transcends the need for images to touch the soul.
In the coming and going of life, each note that resonates in our being carries with it a melody of hope and renewal. Although the songs change and the Vivaldi seasons transform, each chord remains a reflection of the beauty that resides in the soul of Smallsteps and transmits it to you.
Sometimes, in silence, we find new forms of creativity, new ways of connecting previously scattered pieces. The imagination has not been lost; He has simply found new ways to express himself, and you realized it…
Even if you feel like a joy has faded, remember that music is an endless journey. Every pause, every silence, is an opportunity to listen to the heartbeat of the universe and find a new song still waiting to be discovered. I know, my dear friend @tarazkp, because with the loss of my 10-year-old daughter, the world came crashing down on me and I spent three years wasting away until Matthew was born. I know that I may possibly have the same luck with my son, only time will tell, but the connection with him is wonderful... A connection that goes beyond a chord.
With each breath, with each small step, you are creating a unique symphony, a work of art that is your own life, and it is Smallsteps who shapes it with his tender hands. And in that work, each change is a note that adds depth and richness to the composition that is your existence, and that bond that unites you will last until you by nature abandon the ship of life.
Dear friend, may music continue to be your companion, your inspiration, and your comfort, and may each day bring you a new opportunity to feel, to create and to live fully. Simply, brother, live and enjoy every moment with that incredible being that is your daughter, Smallsteps. A hug full of blessings.
When there is silence, there is nothing created in my head. I sat in a deprivation chamber type of thing (float chamber) for 45 minutes and while relaxing, I saw nothing, unless I generated it manually.
This gives you purpose in many ways, and perhaps you would have found purpose with him arriving. But, it is good to live with a reason to keep on living, though many people don't seem to find much else except to be entertained.
Plasticity is weird man. Just curious, was your stroke more on the right side of your brain? (Left sided motor deficits). That side is believed to be more responsible for processing music/sound.
It is in my cerebellum, which is why it has affected so much of my core automation. I can take the information in, but my brain doesn't process it unless I force it.
https://neuro-jena.github.io/pdf/Gaab-NI.pdf
Here is some old science for you, so I'm not sure how valid it is (wild claims are always made).
It suggests a connection from the cerebellum to the parietal lobe and states that this regards processing of pitch. Maybe there's gross function there, but some of these sub processes being inhibited don't allow for "fine" function. It'd be interesting to see if this grasp of pitch could be linked to imaginative thinking while listening to music.
As Smallsteps gets older she will understand that it really isn't you that chooses to be less attentive, but rather the result of the stroke that makes you seem that way. If she realizes what's happening, perhaps she can help you to remain focused...kids have an innate way of finding solutions to problems in a simplified way. Maybe she will even discover a way to help your brain reroute your damaged circuitry.
If she isn't old enough yet to understand what has happened to you and the resulting damage the stroke has caused, she will, in time, providing she is made aware.
It is really good that she performed her part without suffering much stage fright. Maybe you should enter her in Vibes community :D
She tries to be patient with me for sure. It is sad when a seven year old has to wait for the parent to catch up! :D
I get that she will understand rationally in time, I just wonder what effect it has on her to experience it as she does now.
Never heard of Vibes community!
You are enough for both of you and more. I am regularly astonished at how you have adapted to such a loss. I know it's a bummer, but from what I can see here, you still excel at being human, and especially at being a human father.
I kind of feel like good humans aren't valued that much anymore. People rather hear about bad humans.
hm. somehow that seems more interesting to many of us. I like warm and fuzzy stories, that make me feel like there are kind and loving humans all around me, rather than the guy next door could be the next one to shoot up a school.
Playing you a lullaby is probably the cutest thing ever.
to go with all the other cutest things ever that she does XD
She's growing up with you like this and while she may think uncharitable thoughts about it as an older child/teenager, if she knows why then she will understand as an adult that you did everything you could possibly do with the knowledge that you had at the time.
She takes the lullaby seriously. It is very cute!
I get that she will understand, it is the damage from now til then that I worry about. Even the worst parents do their best.
Parenting is one of those things where no matter what you do, it will always be wrong XD They are always going to be "damaged" in some way (or consider themselves as such or be considered by others as such if they're that way inclined).
And there isn't a "perfect" way to do things because all thie "perfect" contradicts each other.
Literally the only thing you can do is the best you can with what you have and what you know and as long as they turn out "all right" at worst and better than you at best, then you done good.
And barring something major happening in the interim she will definitely turn out fine because she's a smart and self-aware little thing and you're doing everything you can to keep facilitating that development.
What a daughter longs for is a father who always supports her in her dreams, who is present in her most important moments, who corrects her, but also instructs her, who gives her confidence, but also sets limits. To tell her I love you, but to show it with attention.
It is the last one, the attention, that I am concerned with. I might not be attentive enough.
It sounds like you have found a way to handle it even if it isn't the same. Maybe it's not better or worse, but just different. I was going to say, if you find yourself falling asleep, maybe it is a good idea to not focus on the music, but focus on the people playing it. My wife loves to people watch, so between the performers and the audience, she would always find something to keep her occupied!
Focusing on the people helps a lot, but we were far away in the audience. If I can see the person actually singing or playing, it is easier to connect. But, it takes away the point of the music. I can people watch at the park :D
Yeah, I guess that is true.
I didn't expect her to perform for only a couple of minutes, but I didn't realize that there were so many performers. I think it will be a very good experience for her. I remember when my sisters had their recitals when we were young. It really helped their confidence improve.
As she gets older, she will perform more and likely have solos etc, but not yet. She has only played a few months so far and is doing well, but not well enough. They start around seven here, so there aren't those childhood prodigies like in some Asian countries.
Music is something I hope she learns to love. She asked if once she is okay enough on the piano, if she can get singing lessons also.
My niece is also learning piano and taking voice lessons. I can definitely hear an improvement in her singing voice. It would be nice if your daughter can play and sing while performing in the future.
Wow! She gained a big experince from the early ages. I bet the next one will be much easier 😉
I think it will be for her. She wants to do it again at least.
If Smallsteps could do this now that she’s still young, it is obvious she’d do more when she grows up
Tell her to keep it up!
She will be great at whatever she turns her attention to - as long as she turns her attention to doing something, rather than sitting and consuming.
You're doing your best for smallsteps @tarazkp I can feel it even though I'm a continent away from you. I do feel deep down she truly appreciates and understands just how much you've invested in her growth. You're a great father ❤️
She will appreciate it in time - for now, I am just an annoying parent :)
For me sir it's not bad to fall asleep, I somehow think that you find calmness when your daughter's play. Just help her understand things positively because she needs that. ☺️ I'm amazed that your daughter can make things like that in an early age.
It is bad to fall asleep in a room of 500 people and snore loudly :D
Lol. Sleeping is okay, but snoring loudly is a bit bad haha
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