Why do I run away from relationships? What exactly scares me about spending the rest of my life with someone? I enjoy solitude. I have dirty habits. I prefer books to people sometimes. Thinking about the welfare of another can be exhausting. Are these excuses? Are there people who will see these things, these character traits and say; even though? Maybe. Maybe I am just not willing to see through the veneer of anger, weariness, depression and anxiety. Maybe if I look closely, I'd see someone who has the power to be more.
Yet what do I bring to the table? Dirty habits, impatience and a need to be alone? Who wants that? Who wants to sacrifice their time, space, energy and resources on that? After all, this relationship thing is give and take. What if the one who wants me despite all of the above has some traits I find disturbing? What if she gossips, loves loud fighting matches? What if she's a spendthrift but doesn't want to earn a living? What if she brings all kinds of friends over? Will it matter that she is able to accommodate my excesses? Will I stand for her for better or ill?
Because no one is perfect. No one is without sin. There are no innocents here if you're not a baby learning to crawl, talk or chew rice.
It is complicated. Everyone around me seems to think I have stayed too long alone. Everyone seems to have an opinion about what is best for me. Am I the best for another? Will I make a partner happy? Will I give her peace, care and love? What am I bringing to the table? What will I give in return for the things I seek?
I don't hunger for kids. Never have. Never will. If they do come, I will love them and cherish them but it is not an ambition I have, I must confess. Will this matter? What if she wants children in abundance? What if she needs children to fill some space inside her? Will I deny her that? Is that not selfish?
I am tired. Of life, of living different versions of myself each day. I'm scared of bringing children into this world. There's so much pain here. People are cruel to fragile things. It would gore my heart out to see my child broken by life. It would make me insane. It terrifies me, what I will do to prevent such a thing from happening. The effort involved wearies me.
But what if this is everything she has dreamt of? Will I deny her? Will my fears matter? Will I be called weak if I fail? Is that even a question? I wish I had answers. I wish there was someone who understood. I wish I could explain these things better. It is strange. I feel lighter.
Dirty Habits
of all things to leap out at me, this one did.
Tell us more about these dirty habits.
Ok, then I got to this part:
I hear you. I feel for you.
"this too shall pass" - this weariness, this anxiety -
So many books out there. Someone urged me to read Anthony de Mello's "Awareness" when I was still a young mother of three. Then, someone urged Eckharte Tolle's "Power of Now" on me. The three kids are now adults, earning their own living, far from the nest. They survived to adulthood!
I can't claim to know how you feel, but your words strike a chord, and it all sounds all too familiar to me. "Been there," and still there, in so many ways.
You are not alone - however alone you may feel.
That's the thing I keep telling myself, as well.
Others "know" the presence of God ("what a friend we have in Jesus") -
I reach out to strangers online.
And yes, I too "feel lighter" after doing so.
Bless you!
Thank you @carolkean. Your words mean a lot. It's scary being alone and it's scary being with someone. Children deserve better. Am I good enough to bring a child into this world? It wearies me but indeed, after everything I do feel lighter. 🤍
You are good enough!
We are never, ever "ready" for any of life's big milestones. If we wait until we are "ready" we will never start living, taking risks, and enjoying the Now.
Thank you for this. I appreciate it 🤍