My Wartime Diary. Day 45

in #mywartimediary3 months ago (edited)


Hello, friends!

Today is a rainy day, but not gloomy at all, because Nick was let to go home until tomorrow morning. We are both happy 🖤

I heard explosions several times today. This is demining.

I was going to drive him around the city so he could see our Kyiv at least from the car window, but the rain spoiled everything. So we went home to bake an apple pie and cook homemade food. I remember, anything but potatoes. 😁

Now everyone is just talking about expecting something much worse. Russia is accumulating forces and equipment for a decisive blow. Where will this blow be? China is joining the information war on Russia's side, which means there will be many new lies. Ukrainians have been accustomed to lies and fakes since Soviet times, but how will other nations and their politicians react to this?

Meanwhile, I keep supporting our defenders, THANKS TO YOU. Since my last report, your donations, tips, and upvotes (as post payouts) amount to UAH 51,477 + 655 USD. I am grateful to everyone! 💖

I'd like to mention all donors and personally thank them. 🙏🙏🙏 Any amount means a lot to me, because it's more than just "funds", it's a sign of your support and kindness, which is just priceless at this trying time.

@dswigle @ellenripley @flemingfarm @padreelferenco @achimmertens @palimanali @silversaver888 @priyanarc @borepstein @bulldog-joy @blind-spot @mespanta @olga.maslievich @davedickeyyall

So, what we got.

  • 6 pairs of sneakers, 3 pairs of each green and black.
  • 9 sets: body armor, helmet, backpack, unloading. Big luck! 😎👍

The balance is 655 USD which I will spent the next week for tourniquets (hopefully) and/or some gear (if we can find it). I'd like to do it ASAP as I'm afraid there's no much time left...



Two days ago it was very warm and sunny.☀️ I met a girl named Xenia, with whom I became friends during the first two weeks of the war in the volunteering center. We went to pick up her forgotten things, and then took a walk in a square park, where I used to collect dozens liters of water for our center, as much as I could squeeze in my car.


That's all that's left of the volunteer center, where I practically lived for the first two weeks after the war start. It looked like a big hive that never slept. Kitchen, medical unit, warehouse. I was very impressed by these people, their self-sacrifice, dedication and optimism.

When I first arrived, there were very few volunteers, and many military guys, and they kept arriving every day. Air alarms were quite common, and it was really dangerous, because every day we learned that a missile or its fragments hit some areas of Kyiv.

We put tables in a row. Then placed plastic buckets with hot food on them, sliced ​​bread, disposable utensils. Sometimes there was food for vegans. And when everything was ready, one of us shouted "Lunch!" or "Break-fast!" or "Din-ner!". And a long row lined up in front of us immediately. When I first heard the air raid siren during the food distribution, I was confused. I wouldn't be surprised if all or almost all of them went down to the shelter. But none of guys left. The long line of eyes looking at me, they wanted to eat. And I stayed. To be honest, the "shelter" was not very reliable either. This is how I overcame my horror of air raids.

Previously, the air raid could last for several hours. This meant that not one missile flew in our direction, but many missiles. And they are shot out one by one, over and over again. Now the sirens are short, from 15 to 30 minutes. This means that one missile is approaching, maybe two. Sometimes I hear phantom sirens, I think it's not just me.

My friend is a psychologist. She lost all her clients, and have no job now. Though she says demand for some specializations has now risen dramatically. Especially for psychologists who work with raped people, here in Kyiv. I wrote "people", not "women", and this is not a mistake. It turns out that there are raped underage girls and boys. Sometimes I ask myself - is there a limit?

You ask how I'm holding up. My psychological and therefore physical condition is constantly changing. In the first days and weeks, I believed deeply in my heart that it would not last long. I did not assume anything beyond this thought. I counted the horrible days, and my mind did not accept the fact that an open, unmotivated and brutal war in the 21st century could last a long time. Until recently, I didn't think it was possible.

And then more and more different sources suggested that the war would last longer. Longer - it's 3 months maybe. This was a horrible figure, and I could not accept the fact that such assumptions are not made by the enemy, but by our side. I didn't even want to read these messages. It was very painful. It seemed that the inner string, which is at maximum tension for almost a month, simply can not stand and break. "Those who think it will end very quickly give up first. Then those who think it will never end. Survivors are those who do not plan or make assumptions, but live one day." So I forced myself to re-read again and again, skipping through what analysts and psychologists wrote. I must survive.

And recently it turned out that I was not completely honest with myself. Deep down, I was hoping for a notional 3 months. Summer will come and everything will be fine again. I am still waiting for it to end, and I cannot accept this reality in which I am. So now I have another challenge ahead - learn to live literally today and now. I still don't quite understand what that means. Stop dreaming about how I will travel to distant lands again, visit new countries and islands. About get-togethers with friends. About how to move to a new, large and beautiful apartment. How I will walk with Nick in the botanical garden, or wander the streets in search of graffiti, or the first flowers, or something else. Sitting across from each other in a restaurant and talking ... What were we talking about before the war?

While I was writing this, Nick fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Let him enjoy the warmth and comfort of home while he and I have a chance. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. We have to live here and now.


I admire the way you manage to keep up in your current situation. You are a strong woman! You say you need to learn how to live today and now, but you know it already. You are an example for many of us.

Don't stop dreaming! The war will end and you will enjoy the normal life with Nick again. You will travel, go for walks and enjoy every single moment!

I pray for the summer to be peaceful.

Stay safe my dear friend.

I long thought about your words and dreams... I don't know what our future will be like. But I can dream of to meet in person the people who support me and who I support. I mean YOU and my friends on HIVE, and the volunteers I met thanks to hivebuzz' NTF for Peace.
I think of you often, and so grateful to you for all you effort.


I cannot imagine what it is like to live in your head right now. :(

You have endured more than most people I know. The fact is that you do so without complaining about poor you - you are worried about everybody else. You are such a courageous, selfless individual... A woman that is full of life and love.

I love the picture of you and Nick -it is so beautiful and I love your expressions, he has a soft look on his face, probably so happy to see you and you just look overjoyed! That shot certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I am so happy that he got that time, he deserves it, as well as you. Something normal. I feel so selfish somedays, not even fully appreciating the small little things like waking up to a life without strife. But, I think all of this has changed my outlook. Truly.

I am so happy you are able to purchase some of the things that you need. I pray every day for God to be merciful and help end this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I thank you always for the updates that are very much appreciated. It all looks so different from the inside. Please be careful. Be safe and allow yourself to be taken care of once in a while.

Go be with Nick and hug each other for a good long time. Love to you.


US citizen here, and a resident of Kharkiv.

All I can say is I am glad you found a more effective way to give to the cause than I did.
I tried to fight (hey, as a combat vet, I thought I could be useful). They said with an injured leg (details in my blog), and no knowledge of the Ukrainian language (so I can neither understand nor relay orders) I am of no use. So I gave a few basic police tactics lessons to the civilians at my local shelter (the government taught them how to make molotovs, I taught them that a can of aerosol deodorant duct taped to the end of the bottle with a few nails made them fragmentation grenades) and bugged out.
...To be honest, I will live every day of my life with the shame of having left. I should have stayed to fight. A cop is not a soldier but I should have stayed to give at least those skills.

I am glad you have found a way to help Ukraine more than I did. I write articles but they are worthless.

I am glad you have found a way to help Ukraine more than I did.

This is what all good people say and feel. the thing is... everyone cannot fight. And everyone cannot be where there is military action. Each of us has a role to play in this war. We just don't give up and find an area where we can be useful. There is no shame in that you left. You can be useful (and I believe you are!) there where you are. Just don't give up ❤️

Happy to see your smiley face in fact glad you both are safe. Already I heard the East part including Kharkiv is going to see a worse situation than before, but still I am hoping for the best and we will win no matter what...

It's never going to happen anyway. The deals been signed, sealed and delivered. Russia will retain control of the region.

Prayers from Canada 🇨🇦 for the Ukraine 🇺🇦

..."Who knows what will happen tomorrow. We have to live here and now" Very wise ... Therefore I wish to both of you and to all our People the luck to witness our Victory!

Enjoy your time together! Nice to see that you and Nik are alright.

It's great to see you smile. I don’t know how you manage it. I'm happy you got to spend time with your husband. Take care both of you. ❤

It put a big smile on me to see you with Nick. Thankfully you are together again. Horrors are far easier to go though with your support by your side than without and I really hope you can stay this way.

I have such a hard time trying to discern truth from lies in so much I see and read about the war. We have no way of knowing from afar what is real and fake. I haven't trusted the mainstream media for years since they lie about everything so why wouldn't they lie about this?

In reality all we ever have is today because tomorrow is never set until it is now.

Thank you again for keeping us informed of your personal experience of the war. Too often it is untold and history is proof of that. We wish for both your safety daily, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

It is good to see you smile. Living in the moment is a sane and smart survival strategy -- for anyone, really. I wish things were better for you. I hope they are better in the near future.


Щасливі і усміхнені. І це нацважливіше. Нехай так буде.

Дякую 🤗

@tipu curate


Hey @cardboard, here is a little bit of BEER from @zirochka for you. Enjoy it!

Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your BEER.

Від усього скрця бажаю Вам навчитись жити "тут і зараз". Одне розуміння того, що цьому треба вчитись, що це вихід у нинішній ситуації - вже пів справи.

Я вдячний Вам, за вашу прашу на блого нашої країни.

I am happy to see you getting to spend time with your husband, you are a beautiful couple, stay strong. Most of the world is on your side, we pray for you and your Country.

This is such a messed up situation. I do really hope you guys are staying safe and that this will stop as soon as possible. :D Stay safe and stay strong.

Reality sucks but yah, this is the here and now. I don't think it means giving up on goals or hopes. It is to be in that moment full aware, not distracted, as each moment is the true present, yet fragile as it passes quick.

To be in the here and now is hard for most, humans turn to past and future, barely present. You are forced to be in the here and now, past and future seem lightyears away. Hope is fading, coming back, fading. Anxiety creeps up, battling with rationality. In quiet moments you feel helpless, overwhelmed, empty. Guilt in many forms starts to follow you, unless you learn the here and now. Your friend is psychologist, her expertise is needed.

The good thing, my dear, even though it doesn't seem like it, is that you are aware of yourself. You may not feel like it, but you recognize a PTSD, a change in yourself early on. Not denying it is one important step and it will help you deal with it. Long term. Short time will be a wave you have to ride. It is possible.

Warm hugs and Ukraine strong!

You read what is going on in my soul like a book. Thank you for your warm words of support.🤗

You are both beautiful in that first photo. To see you together make my heart happy and I really hope you'll have all the best. I really can't image how is your life now and even if my soul cry every time I see images on the tv about the horrible nigthmare you're living (I can't cancel from my mind the images of all those corpses that our journalists shared with us on the italian tv and our souls cry hard), but I really hope in te best for all the ukrainian people. Stay safe, stay strong.

Oh, my friend. What a pleasure to read you and in a different mood. You haven't seen me around here because I have had a lot of electricity, internet and communication signal problems in the last few weeks, and these days have been worse. I have not forgotten you, or any of you, I continue to pray to God day by day for all of you. It is always a great day for me when I get to read you. How nice that you were able to share with your beloved husband, and feel the warmth of home for a few days. I hope you can soon be together and never be separated again. What a blessing all those people who continue to support you. It's hard what you feel and I understand you perfectly, but that's how it is, you have to survive, live day by day. Great things will come for you, all the beautiful things you deserve. I admire you, you are a great woman. I embrace you with my soul. Kisses and a thousand blessings.... 💗🐦🌈🌹

Take care both. This is the positive attitude to life in such tough situation in life. War is unexpected and it will end sooner or later.

How nice that they can gather at home and enjoy the warmth of home. Thank you for your praiseworthy work for the benefit of Ukrainian.

Another great update. Your posts are so insightful, and I'm grateful that you provide them so that we can get real insight from the ground. It must be difficult for you to find the time, when you have some may other priorities. I wish you all the best and I wish daily for an end to this awful war.

Bang, I did it again... I just rehived your post!
Week 100 of my contest just can now check the winners of the previous week!


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Unfortunately, the innocent always suffer in wars. I pray for the war to end. It's good to see that you are happy with your partner. 🤗 God help you 🙏

Raping underaged?.. That's really shitty. War brings with it a whole lot of atrocities.

Ukrainians will get through this. I really hope this madness ends real soon😑😑

Good to hear that You got to visit with Nick!
For that, I am Happy for You!

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Nothing much happens to the states in wars, but it happens to all people and innocent people. Let the wars end now. May humanity always be happy. God help you.🤗🤗🍀

Actually, this war is against Ukraine as a state