Yes, the past six years I've spent as a full-time writer have been a dream come true but they've also taught me a whole lot about myself. I'm beyond grateful for every step of this journey.
I grew up in a family where everyone, as far back as anyone could remember, worked physical jobs. They had respectable and demanding jobs like welding, roofing, fixing cars, and coal mining. My family members, going back countless generations, worked hard and often long hours.
Promptness, giving more than was expected, and following orders to the letter were instilled in me and held in the highest esteem. My brother and I were taught at a very young age to listen, follow orders, exceed expectations (always), and to never (ever) be late to a shift or an appointment. We were also among the first in our family to have white collar office jobs. These traits all served both of us quite well as employees and in making a living.
“The first step to mental freedom: choose your own teacher.”― Mecha Constantine
Since I've strayed from my ancestral path into the world of writing full-time in 2017, and have done a fair amount of traveling, I've mingled with a lot of people of other socioeconomic backgrounds. My worldview has expanded and shifted greatly as a result.
As I've gotten to know how the other half lives I've learned there are differing degrees of freedom in this world. I've discovered the degree to which my class of people were educated from the very beginning to have an employee mindset. We are groomed by the public education systems to be rule-followers, working class, from our very first toddling steps.
While co-writing the scripts for a television series a few years ago with our team, many of which grew up with substantially more privilege than I did, my eyes began to gradually open to just how they were different from me. What I learned was people with privileged backgrounds didn't have less problems, just different ones. It was the problems they didn't suffer from that gave them such an advantage.
The problems of the higher economic classes I encountered often weren't rooted in financial worries or issues of their physical survival. These people had the freedom to focus on other things like higher education, travel, dreams and whims, making their money work for them (instead of vice versa), and prioritizing their goals and mental health. In many ways they had a head start in life. Their education and life experience prepared them for success and to be bosses, leaders of the kind of people who came from backgrounds like mine.
As hard as I tried to deny it, envy began to seep in through the cracks. I found myself wishing I possessed a little more of their social ease, their confidence, and definitely more of their mental and physical freedom. I was intoxicated by the thought that life could be actually be lived in this way. Things I viewed as problems to them were blasé, their existence more robust and Bohemian.
When I thought about the ways in which we were different, it really came down to just two things. Money and time. We didn’t view those two things in the same way at all.
I've always been fascinated with finance and investing but couldn't seem to shake certain anxieties surrounding money. For a majority of my life I constantly kept a running mental ledger of every dollar that came in and went out. I always felt a nagging tinge of guilt for buying something really nice for myself and anxiety about large purchases of any kind.
Money was more of an afterthought to them, a tool, and they were less risk-averse because of it. Most successful investors will tell you that being willing to take risk automatically gives you an advantage when it comes to building wealth. I had a fear buried somewhere deep down inside of me that there would come a day when there simply wouldn't be enough to make ends meet. I was measured, cautious. Not that I'm rich but I'm happy to say this fear has finally been conquered or at least doesn't scream quite so loudly.
Next was time. This one was more complex and it fascinated me.
Those who are raised with privilege, at least the ones I've crossed paths with, have a more relaxed relationship with our most precious of resources. Naps were a thing, as were "gap years" and month long treks through Europe to find themselves. Lingering around for hours in pjs in the morning was also perfectly acceptable.
Where I came from being an early bird was commendable and sleeping in was considered laziness. Schedules and routines were run with military precision. Self-worth was often measured in how much work you could get done and how expertly you could do it. Our family also was quite adept at jumping to our feet when the world knocked us down.
As a child, I rarely saw my father relax, even on weekends or vacations. Even when he was away from his job thoughts about it, and God knows what else, ate away at him. His legs rocked when he was seated and oftentimes he'd be puttering around in the garage or in the basement if he didn't have any real chores to do. He was always busy, tinkering.
“If you don't know you're in prison, you're unlikely to escape.” ― Wayne Gerard Trotman
I inherited some of my dad’s traits which, I believe, derives in part from the generational trauma of walking the tightrope of life without a safety net. To this day no matter how late I get to bed or how little I have to accomplish in a given day my eyes automatically pop open at around 7am. Before leaving my day job it was usually 5:15am, it took me months to get comfortable with 7 (ish).
Most of these anxieties surrounding time I thought I had conquered. That is until the time changed a few days ago. I posted this single sentence on Fa(r)cebook about the daylight-savings time change.
In my mind I was just being funny. That was until a friend responded with four words that woke me up instantaneously.
He responded to that post with...
"What a dismal existence."
I replied with...
"I was just joking."
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, his comment stung like a slap in the face. Then I really started to think about it. As they say, many a truth is spoken in jest and I started to realize a deep truth about myself. Yes, there are differing degrees of freedom. Despite six full years of being my own boss I still wasn't free, at least not as free as I yearn to be. My relationship with time was still not balanced or healthy. In the coming months I intend to work on this.
This was a stark reminder that the bars of my mental prison cell haven't fully dissolved. Life itself can be our guru, if we let it be. Each circumstance, every person we encounter, each thought and interaction can teach us if we're conscious enough to see the lessons. What an incredible universe this is and how wonderful that we live in an age where we can take full advantage of its teachings. Even after all these years I'm not there yet. But you had damn well better bet that I'm going to keep trying.
Thanks for reading! All for now. Remember…trust your instincts, invest in you, live boldly, and take chances.
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Poetry should move us, it should change us, it should glitch our brains, shift our moods to another frequency. Poetry should evoke feelings of melancholy, whimsy, it should remind us what it feels like to be in love, or cause us to think about something in a completely different way. I view poetry, and all art really, as a temporary and fragile bridge between our world and a more pure and refined one. This is a world we could bring into creation if enough of us believed in it. This book is ephemera, destined to end up forgotten, lingering on some dusty shelf or tucked away in a dark attic. Yet the words, they will live on in memory. I hope these words become a part of you, bubble up into your memory when you least expect them to and make you feel a little more alive.
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Most of us have experienced a moment of perfect peace at least once in our lives. In these moments we lose ourselves and feel connected to everything. I call these mindful moments. Words can’t describe how complete they make us feel.
These moments are usually fragile, evaporating in seconds. What if there was a way to train your mind to experience more of them? It’s deceptively easy and requires nothing more than a subtle shift in mindset. My new book, Mindful Moments, will teach you to be much more content despite the chaos and imperfect circumstances continuing to unfold around you. Upgrade your life experience today for only $15.99 on Amazon.com.
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I consider waking up whenever I want as one of the best things in life. A few weeks ago I tried to change to a more decent daily routine, but even 9 am seems weird to me... I have only a dim memory of the many years I'd be up at 7 and listen to the morning news while sipping coffee...
As for growing up with privilege, I certainly had none. Few people in my country had back then. However, I grew up with a profound hatred of rules as my folks were or a more liberal mind.
As a young mother I tried to do everything by the book and make sure my daughter went to the best school I could afford. Totally unaware of the dangers of our current school system. It was only after my son was born that a friend I hadn't seen in a while told me about homeschooling... It blew my mind and it gave me the courage to do what was right for my children. They got all the freedom they wanted and they've been able to pursue their own dreams.
Oh how I wish I could've been born with that mindset! I'm confident that I can "get there" though. What an upside down world we live in. From what I've read even the serfs of the Middle Ages had a more relaxed lifestyle than the average person does today. Many people probably lived a more balanced life before the Industrial Revolution, despite many thinking the opposite.
You were very smart to homeschool your kids! I would have chosen that route if I had children. American public schools, at least in the larger cities, aren't places conducive to learning. As a matter of fact, many of them are dangerous places.
My eldest was offered a full ride to Georgetown when he was 17, and he didn't have any desire to go. I explained what it could mean, brightly envious of his opportunity, and urged him to go to no avail. My father had been a teacher until he retired, and had always been extremely critical of my homeschooling my sons, so in desperation I turned to him to convince my son and got him on the phone. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said these unforgivable words "That's not for folks like us."
Upon reflection, dad had grown up poor, during the depression, and wrested a degree from the GI Bill after a stint in the Navy. I also have a heart to serve and after stabs at various careers, from fisherman, logger, and food service, to business consulting, market research, and marine biology for a state agency, and finally settled on handyman, because I like most providing my good neighbors repairs and additions to their homes that will provide them decades of enjoyment and quality of life even after I am dead and gone. But, like you, my eyes pop open at 4 am, although I have a variety of bad habits like lounging around and reading the internet for hours before I set to of a day. I have no college to speak of, and my positions in technical fields were hard won, as an autodidact, so perhaps that underlay my envy at my son's opportunity to be one of the movers and shakers.
My son had little schooling (after he hit puberty I realized that's where all the girls were. Some things I couldn't teach him), but had plenty of friends that had, as he was the captain of the football team and everyone else on the team had attended local schools. He explained he had no interest in being institutionalized as his friends had been, and he well knew how to find out what he wanted to learn, as that was the crux of my curriculum for him. He has carved out his own path as a professional, wholly self taught, and I confess him a better man than I am.
Maybe it's epigenetic, deriving from environmental conditions our forebears experienced, but somehow it missed him, perhaps because of my freebooting career raising him.
However, I know well that view of time, money, and hard work, because it's also in my bones.
Thanks!
Those generation gaps can be really tough. We're all so scarred and influenced by our life experience and struggles. Your father's generation went through so much. I wonder if your son ever thinks about how different his life would have been if he would've taken the scholarship? I had a cousin who passed up a similar opportunity, she had a full ride to Ohio State. She's doing quite well for herself now after putting herself through a smaller college, it just took longer.
As a child (starting around 12) I did everything I could to earn money -- lawn care, snow shoveling, paper routes, restaurant jobs. My dad asked me to come to work in the welding shop that he did after I graduated high school. I, instead, went to community college at night and worked manual labor jobs during the day to pay for it. I've always liked self-directed learning too and really have never stopped seeking new things to learn about. I never had to take out a loan for school, and for that I'm grateful. That instantly puts young people at a disadvantage during their best earning years. Those 3 years of community college got me a job at an insurance company here in MN and I worked there for 23 years (saving as much of my salary as I could ) doing a variety of things, until I could retire early and write for a living.
You sound like you've had a very interesting and well-rounded life so far! Working with your hands provides so much satisfaction. I'm sure your neighbors really appreciate you. There are fewer and fewer people around with those skills. Thanks for your comment!
I grew up very similar to you. I was pushed to start working at 12, mowing lawns around the neighborhood until high school when I was pushed to start a paper delivery job at a hospital (higher pay than a normal route) in addition to the lawn mowing. I look back and I regret that I wasn't more involved in high school activities, but I was too busy working. Always on time, always going beyond expectations. I kind of doubt it's won me anything, but I had it drilled into me so much as a kid, I couldn't act any other way even if I had wanted to.
I have never, however, really had the experience of mingling with upper class folks and seeing things from their side. I have long guessed much of what you write, from reading other things for the past 30 years, but I've never had that direct experience of talking to them and hearing it directly. Always very interesting to see the other side.
Haha your post about sleeping in is funny. I don't know if I'd be able to sleep in. Sleeping much past 5:30 just feels like wasted time. I'd rather go outside, take a deep breath of the fresh air, and talk a walk. That said, I definitely get the idea of having the mental freedom to make that choice of waking up or sleeping in.
It sounds like we had very similar childhoods! I worked a lot too. I did lawn work and snow removal around the same age as you and then took on a paper route when I turned 14. The paper route was some of the hardest work I ever did, especially collecting the subscription fees at the end of the month. Lord, that taught you a lot about human nature. I had people who would hide from me when I came to the door, and some lonely elderly people who didn't want to let me leave.
Mingling with the upper classes can be as intoxicating as it is eye-opening. I never imagined there were that many people living with such incredible privilege. There were lots in NYC. It was like I was in some foreign world. They're insulated from the bad and uncomfortable aspects of life in many ways but they could seem very isolated, bored, emotionally cold, and lonely, really. It was fun to experience but I would never want to live that way. I prefer to be somewhere in the middle. Comfortable, but not as separated from everyone else, closer to my roots.
I'm trying to sleep in! When I worked I got up around 5:15am, always preferred the earlier shift so I had some of my day left. This morning I rolled out around 7:45am, so it's getting better. Lol.
haha yeah I had both those experiences many times on the paper route. Fun times.
I agree with you. I just want comfortable. If I can make enough money to not have to worry about bills and take care of my kids, that's all I need. I don't want the temptations that too much money brings.
Also, the Seneca quote comes to mind that a life without adversity makes a man weak and dull. The challenge of making my life is good. If I had it all just handed to me like the upper class, I don't know if I'd like that as much. That said, I would really like to not have to stress about paying the bills.
That's a good way to put it.
I don't think many people even subscribe to newspapers anymore. Oh, how the times have changed.
I'm in alignment with that Seneca quote! I would probably still live simply even if I had a lot of wealth. I'd probably use it for experiences and to provide for others (anonymously) more than I would for things. I believe the material things, like the huge house, the cars, etc. and the (envy/jealousy that they cause) are what sparks that separation that we're talking about.
I think you awakened our reflective side with your words. At home, my parents had not made it to college and worked like slaves to give us what we needed. I don't remember my parents waking up late or wasting money. At home, as we grew older, clothes were passed from sibling to sibling and shoes were worn until they broke. I remember my parents always telling us: "Study, that's the only inheritance we can leave you". So I dedicated myself to study and graduated. I was the first person to graduate in my family (I became a reference for my cousins and my brothers) and when I had the opportunity, I traveled with my parents and started to buy them what they never had. Even though my dad would tell me not to spend money on nonsense, I would watch his eyes sparkle with a new pair of shoes, a leather jacket or new tires for his car and that made me very happy. When my dad retired, he said he wanted to buy a house in the country to just raise chickens and water the bushes and rest next to my mother. I gave him half the money to buy it. After he bought it, a year later, my father got sick and then he died. He didn't have time to do the things he wanted to do.
So, I don't get mad anymore if I don't wake up to the alarm clock or if I'm late for work because I overslept. Surely, because of the economic situation of the country, I no longer eat everything I like or do, like traveling, everything I am passionate about doing, but I always try to be where I want to be and make the pan solo that I put in my mouth delight me as if it were a delicacy. Since the death of my dad I have discovered the pleasure of doing nothing and see the true value of the little things.
I think I've gone too far. hahahahahah. Hugs to you. Greetings, my friend
It sounds like you've done really well for yourself and what a blessing to be able to provide for your parents like you did. That is one of the best gifts there are to have the ability to take care of those who took care of you. It's my favorite part of success. I'm sorry you lost your father so soon. It never feels like we have long enough with them. Yesterday was the third anniversary of my dad's passing and it doesn't get any easier with time. As a family, we're just trying to remember the good memories about him.
I like your philosophy about life. It really is the little things that matter, the ability to feel free at whatever moment in time we wish, ideally most of the time. That's my main priority at this point in my life. Thanks for your comment and I hope you have an excellent weekend! (I can't believe it's almost the weekend again)
I was raised much the same way. I do recall my dad relaxing from time to time, but it wasn't very often. He takes a lot more naps these days than I can ever remember him the whole time I lived at home. I've been working on the money one. This recent trip was a good practice in that. I just need to remember that as long as I have a decent job, the money will come. It's not worth it to fret over it and it's okay to splurge a little here and there. Easier to say than to put into practice! Time on the other hand... I'm still trying to figure that one out!
I'm glad your dad was able to find a way to relax more as he got older. My dad started napping more the last few years of his life but had this boundless energy (more like restlessness). My brother's more like him but I have some of those traits. Wonderful that you're getting more relaxed with money! You'll likely notice more of it coming your way as a result. Maybe we can be each other's accountability coaches on the time aspect. That one isn't easy.
Yeah, it's nice to see him take it easy, but sometimes I think he goes a little too far. His excuse was always that he was on his feet working in a factory for 30 years. Now he isn't as active as I would like him to be and he has suffered from muscle loss because of it. Plus just getting old, but still. I hope that is the case on the money thing. That would be cool about the time thing. I don't even know what that would look like though.
I'm sorry to hear that. Does he have any hobbies? Is he still social?
It's okay, he is happy and that is all that matters. He'd never really been social. That's part of the reason I struggle with being social myself. He is pretty big into flight sim, but that keeps him sitting at a computer most of the day.
Thats good! Happiness is the great equalizer. I remember you blogging about the flight sim now. I wish my dad would have been into something like that.
I never shared his passion for it, but it's still pretty cool and I help him out when he has computer issues :)
It never is about being rich. Look at the mighty and powerful -- no amount of wealth seems to be enough, as long as that fear remains, so props to you for seeing the root of the problem, and getting after it.
What you say about time comes at an interesting juncture, I was just thinking about it. I spent all of yesterday morning "lounging about in my pjs" :D And I felt blissfully happy. I tend to take an utilitarian approach, often, and marshal myself into writing, going places, whatever. But yesterday, I felt I really want to stay here and continue reading this book (it was Patti Smith, to be fair, kind of a given). So I gave myself that and hey presto. The afternoon writing flowed much more smoothly than if I'd fought myself out of bed and into "productivity mode".
Being able to take those months in Europe (obviously also resource-related, but still), or to lounge about in pjs, or decide to do whatever the fuck you want with your time when you want to is the most free a person can be. :)
I'd take this from your writing here, though, it's a treasure how aware you are of this. Such a treasure -- so many people aren't aware of any relationship, good or bad, with any of their resources. So the fact that you're assessing and seeing what needs work is already a good sign, my friend :) I wish you luck (and freedom) in your journey.
It's not totally about being financially comfortable but I think having to worry about money less frees up more bandwidth for acknowledging and working on other things.
I'm so glad that we're able to enjoy that and experience the benefits of it! It's so important when you're a writer to be in a good place, so the muse can flow freely. Meditation helps me but I there are times when I have to physically exhaust myself to get to that place of relaxation and contentment. It's the best feeling in the world when it happens!
Thank you, my friend! I feel very lucky to be aware of all this. I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make others see it too.
I think there is. By being. By not hiding your awareness, you inevitably make others see it, even sometimes without going out of your way to pull them by the hand and say "over here". :) Who knows who read this just now and it got wheels spinning in their heads :)
I hope, at least.
I love that! : ) That's my hope sometimes that something I've written will be that tiny spark that ignites a fire in someone. The world could handle less people going through the motions and sleepwalking through their lives.
I like your spin on Fa(r)cebook :D
I know that feeling and it's not so nice :|
Money is attached to survival in the "modern" world so it's actual trauma to be unable to "live", at times, Safely because of the lack of it.
And then the judgment of society - being targeted, picked on or excluded is also an unconscious threat in the reptile brain - of survival again.
There are the mechanics of the thinking if you will. But it's far deeper than that. Wonderful you observe it and are going to shift it!
Yo've got this!
And I so look forward to hearing more about this part of you journey.
ps. EMDR is super interesting and works super quickly for some folks. It also uses a kind of "stream of consciousness" approach to both finding and processing past events that may be linked to this particular fear that I suspect you will find very interesting and very creative!
There may be some very good stories in it as well... #justsayin
You do write so well! Always such a pleasure to read your voice.
Happy Weekend.
Hope you're sleeping in!!
FB is so bad now. The only reason I stay on there is to keep up with old friends and family but it's such a wasteland of crappy ads and divisiveness.
The one hope I have for A.I. (as frightening as it is in other aspects) is that it be the missing puzzle piece that allows our species to finally understand that eliminating poverty would be a good thing for everyone. It would be interesting to see what would happen if our society got to a point where things like -- food, water, shelter, health, safety, education were viewed as a basic human right. I'd love to see everyone having access to ways to improve their mental health. I feel like the trauma of our ancestors is passed on until it reaches the one person who is willing to deal with it and process it out. Can you imagine if this happened on a global scale?
I'm confident that I'll be able to reframe my perception. This feels like the "next step". I had to look up EMDR, it sounds very interesting! Psychedelics are also proving very useful for this kind of thing too, sometimes the benefit is instantaneous for things like PTSD and depression.
Thank you for the encouragement! Have a wonderful weekend! (I slept until almost 8, baby steps!)
Great post!
Thanks, my friend!
There is a lot of depth to this that I'm not sure where to start from. It's a gift truly, being mentally free. Cause it's all about our mind. Riches, happiness. Freedom. It starts with when we believe ourselves to be free.
It's beautiful. Your self realisations.
Having mental freedom puts you on a completely different level than most. You can't as easily be fooled, leveraged, or influenced. It truly puts all the power in your hands.
I think we had similar upbringings. Similarly, I work and have worked with people who haven't had that fear of things not working out, of being left destitute. T they blithely go on call years and take years out to pursue hobbies which is just unthinkable to me.
I ramble however, that comment by the friend, it's a bit bitter!
I don't think I would change it for the world, would you? Having things come a little easier would have been nice but we certainly wouldn't have appreciated the accomplisments as much. Yeah, that comment was a bit harsh but the arrow hit its mark. Those few words definitely had an impact. Enjoy your weekend, my friend!
Lol. Looking back I might have changed it a little bit yeah it is what has forged me into who I am!
Have a great one mate!
Thanks, you too. Enjoy the weekend!
Excellent post. I wish I could vote for it twice.
The beautiful thing about freedom is you get to choose your own path, and you've done that. Keep trucking.
Thank you! It felt good to get this all down because I've been thinking about it for quite some time. Sometimes I have to pinch myself after working for someone else all those years. I'm very grateful to be on this path to freedom.
The long form of freedom we always desire at some stage of our life and due to some reasons, we endlessly desire the freedom but only to finally discover that the freedom is not actually freedom
The older I get, the more I realize the only true freedom is mental freedom. You can still be a prisoner even if you're completely free, physically, and many people are.
Freedom is not always what it seems it is, to me, my freedom comes when I am able to balance my time well, when I am able to sleep when I want, go to where I want and eat what I want. The best feeling of freedom is that one which nobody is going to obstruct your sleep and decisions.
There are a million things trying to make us believe they're the shortcut to freedom but it all begins inside of us, the ability to be free at any moment we chose. That's true freedom and it sounds like what you describe.
Of course, I will agree with you here that success is not so easy for a person, the way you have been working hard for six years and you have done a lot of hard work for the sake of your family, for the sake of your family. does something and the way we have also seen that you have brought many changes within yourself just for the sake of your family and the good thing is when a person thinks that his life is his own.
If it is for the family, life becomes much easier and one thing I would like to say here is that when a person works hard in his life, sets a target, works hard day and night, then one day he will definitely succeed. And now we all know that health lies in getting up and walking in the morning, so we all have to change our routine and get up in the morning so that the life ahead is ours. So it can prove to be very comforting.
Thank you very much for providing us with high quality content. Your reflections on the complex relationship between money, time, and education are insightful. Indeed overcoming the nagging guilt associated with self-indulgence and challenging ingrained ideas about time as a valuable resource is a significant personal achievement. The influence of generational traits and the realization that some concerns still exist, such as the impact of summer heat, add a relevant touch to your trip.👌
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Be grateful for what you have now Eric. Your life is perfect. You are a great writer and can travel to beautiful places around the world. Your success cannot be separated from the teachings your parents implemented from childhood. I think you have made your money work for you through investing. One of them is crypto investment, of course. Have a nice day, Eric.
Thank you, Eliana! Oh, I absolutely am grateful but feel there are still things I want to work on. I'm still "a work in progress". : ) I hope you're enjoying your weekend!
Very good to know about it. The end lines were really inspirational and I can't say in my words what I am thinking about reading this post. Just say, Hope You get Your life goals and very great to know that You have make you way own. I also believes same.
Thank you!
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It is good to know cutting your cloth ;)
Lovely words.
Love this
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